Relationships and love

How do you feel?

Photo by Olya Kobruseva on

Ask yourself how you feel when you meet someone new.

When you meet a new person, stop and think about how you feel when you interact with them.

If you meet someone new and they make you feel negative and/or make you question yourself, your intelligence, appearance or personality that person is not for you. Move on. Don’t waste your time trying to figure out why or try to change their minds.

Someone that likes you will not make you feel bad about yourself. It shouldn’t take more than a date or two to figure out whether or not that person is worth your time.

This terrific quote sums up this thought process;

“Hurt people, hurt people and damaged people, damage people”.

Relationships and love

Why “23andMe”

Should Have a “Jerry Springer” Warning Label

I was gifted a “23andme” kit last Christmas. It sat on my desk for months because I was truly afraid of what it might turn up. Let me explain why…

My ‘sperm donor’ father (never was my dad) abandoned me at two years old. It was in my 17-year-old wisdom that I finally decided to meet this man. From this point forward my father will be referred to as SD (sperm donor).

My mother was mortified because she know what and who he was. She never bad-mouthed the man who never paid her child support or helped her in any way raise me. My mom made my upbringing look easy for her, but I now know how she struggled alone to make ends meet.

I was a scared, insecure teenager who was meeting her father for the first time. SD promptly and proudly informed me that I had three half siblings. In order as follows:

1. One half-brother, Daniel (seven years older) from a previous marriage that ended in divorce

2. Two half-sisters; from the same mother; marriage also ended in divorce

a. Anne, 13 years younger than me, and

b. Sue, 15 years younger

So, in a matter of a half hour I had gained three half siblings I never knew existed.

It was overwhelming at best. SD excitingly explained with his heavy Italian accent all about his immigrating to America from Italy in the late 50s and how he had to learn to speak English before he could get his green card.

During the first year of knowing SD, I also met my three half-siblings. My two half-sisters were so young that I felt more like their aunt.

SD and I had infrequent interactions over the years with long periods of no communication at all. After several very disturbing interactions with him and by now having children of my own, I knew I did not want SD around me, my babies, or my family, period.

What I learned from these disturbing interactions is what my mother did not share with me. SD was an alcoholic, a compulsive liar and a complete textbook narcissist.

I severed the relationship with SD at age twenty-seven. At 40, I received a distressing confession letter from a forwarded email. The confession was from SD to Daniel, Anne, Sue and me informing us we had another half-sister, Tammy. SD had not previously acknowledged Tammy’s existence. So she hired a private investigator to hunt him down along with all of her half-siblings. Now there were five of us, four baby mamas and three marriages.

Back to recent events and 23andMe. After spitting into the DNA collection tube I felt almost ill from trepidation. But, curiosity got the best of me and into the mail it went. As soon as the kit left my possession a feeling of dread overcame me. When the results arrived I didn’t open the email for two weeks.

My gut was screaming that I was going to have another half-brother or sister or two, who knew. Well, I was right. I now have another half-sister, Linda. SD did not acknowledge her existence either and her mother put her up for adoption.

So the now the “Jerry Springer” tally goes like this:

1. Half-brother Daniel (Born 1957)

2. Then myself (Born 1964)

3. Half-sister Tammy (Born 1966)

4. Half-sister Linda – (Born 1970)

5. Two half-sisters from the same mother

Half-sister – Anne (Born 1977)

Half-sister – Sue (Born 1979)

The total now is six children with SD genes, four baby Mamas and three marriages that we know of.

Ancestry is still out there waiting for me to spit. Should I or do stay with the current “Jerry Springer” family tree I have accumulated thus far? The jury is still out…

Relationships and love

Nice guy? Yeah you!

5 tips to screen out women that don’t really want YOU

Lots of women say they can’t find a nice guy. That is a lie. There are plenty of nice guys out there. The problem is there are too many women that are either; vain, materialistic, entitled, gold diggers, emotionally immature, bitter or unstable.

Good guys listen up. You need to OWN how great you are. It might go against your grain, because most good guys are humble. But please stand up with confidence and be proud you have a job, morals, ethics, standards and a promising future.

Tip #1 – Avoid talking about money, houses, cars or anything material in the beginning stages of dating. If you want to share this information, be sure you trust this person and you consider them long-term relationship material. She will know by your job/career, your appearance, shared interests and chemistry if she wants to continue to date you. She doesn’t need to know your portfolio or your retirement package. If you are pushed for financial information, run or get a pre-nup, you will need it.

Tip #2 -It is natural to want to impress your date with a nice car, but if you don’t have a fancy or new car this will weed out any woman that is all about appearances and/or materialistic. If you happen to have access to two cars, take the lessor first, this will also help the weeding-out process. This also goes for the event, location or restaurant for the first couple of dates. Keep it nice, but mid-range in price. Side note: I dated a guy because I liked him for him. I had no idea how wealthy he was until our 7th date. He picked me up in his Porsche and took me to his box seats at Petco Park. He was confident but humble and treated everyone with respect. That is what a nice guy does.

Tip #3 – Do not talk about anything heavy on dates 1-3. This includes; politics, religion, sex, past marriage(s), divorce/custody issues, crazy ex-girlfriends, childhood trauma, etc. Keep things light and positive. Ask her the questions, get her to open up about herself, her job/career, aspirations, goals, dreams, hobbies, favorite shows, movies, books, etc. If she presses for more personal information right away just state that you want to get to know her better, before getting into more serious topics. If she pushes or shares too much right away like she’s couch surfing right now, she may be trying to push your “rescue button”. Nice guys want to help people out, but please be wary of any stories of financial woes. Same goes for her sharing that her ex-boyfriend is a lying, cheating loser; she may be bitter and/or not ready for dating, a new relationship or unstable.

Tip #4 – Cell phone use and social media; if she can’t leave her cell phone alone while you are on a date (unless it is an emergency and she needs to check it for an ailing child or parent issue) there is a problem. It is rude and inconsiderate to have your phone out and/or check it while you are on a date. To make that even worse would be to check social media while on your date. Need I say more?

Tip #5 – Most important tip of all…JUST BE YOURSELF. If you are shy then that is who you are, tell her and open up when you are comfortable. If you’re a computer genius own it, obviously you are smart. If she says she loves going to the beach for long walks and you hate the beach, be honest. There is no reason to pretend to like something you don’t. This is very important for her as well. Many women will lie about their likes/interests to match up with the man they are dating. This backfires eventually. Not all couples have everything in common. If you like her, and she doesn’t like you, NEXT! If she likes you and you don’t like her, be honest and tell her right away. No one wants to be strung along. If you like each other, take it slow. What’s the rush? If she pushes for a loan, moving in, borrowing your car or needs your resources she may be using you.

P.S. Bonus Tip: Most women bond quickly after the first sexual encounter, so be prepared if you decide to have sex too soon. She’ll be writing your last name and picking a wedding dress in her head.