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Relationships and love

Don’t pretend

When something disconcerting, hurtful or wrong occurs in your relationship, there are usually are three options that arise.

1. Acknowledge event, but don’t address it
2. Acknowledge and address the event
3. Pretend it didn’t happen and act like you are fine when you aren’t

The healthiest choice would be number two, acknowledge and address the event. However, it is the manner in which you do this that can ultimately affect the outcome.

Generally, when we’re hurt our emotions take over and our response could vary from anger to being withdrawn. When acknowledging something painful and addressing it with the person that has hurt you can be difficult at best. The key is to address the event itself and not attack the person.

If necessary, wait to address the person and event until you have time to process all of the emotions and circumstances. Sometimes things aren’t always as they seem.

Once you’re in a place to have the necessary conversation, it’s helpful to be in a neutral space, plan for enough time and privacy.

Try and place yourself in the other person’s shoes as you discuss how you feel and why. It’s important to think about how you would want somebody to address you, if you were the one that created the hurt. This is not to minimize the event, but to have beneficial, helpful communication so that the event or behavior is not repeated.

Options number one and three, acknowledgment without addressing and pretending the hurt didn’t happen, only ultimately hurts you.

Healthy relationships thrive on open, constant, mature communication. No partner is perfect, there are bound to be misunderstandings and hurts. The key is that both partners are willing.

Leah Kay Rossi

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Are you judg”ey”?

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Is judg”ey” an actual word? Not sure. To me it means that you may judge something or someone in a lessor context than being fully judgemental.

For example:

Judg”ey” ~ “That girl’s lip injections make her look like a duck”.

“Judgemental” ~ No one should inject their lips because it looks fake and disfigures what God created. Either statement is a form of negativity and negative expression.

Generally, people that make judg”ey” or judgemental comments are not secure in who they are and build themselves up by tearing others down. They seek the approval of their judg”ey” remarks by people with same opinions and self esteem issues.

We live in a country that allows exceptional freedoms and we as humans are gifted with free will. That gift is priceless.

That free will allows people to do, speak and live as they see fit. That doesn’t mean you have to agree or condone anyone else’s choices.

With the ever growing push for acceptance of all people, from all backgrounds, wouldn’t it be helpful, if we stopped and replaced a judg”ey” comment with a positive one or didn’t say anything at all?

My Mom was forever repeating a few catch phrases when I was growing up and at the time her words went in one ear and out the other. But now, I can truly appreciate their simple wisdom.

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

“Do unto others, as you wish them to do unto to you.”

Can you imagine a world like that?

Consider a self challenge and refrain from saying anything judg”ey” for 21 days. When those judg”ey” thoughts arise find and replace them with a positive about that person/situation or even something positive in your life, like your health, family, etc. to avoid speaking the judgement.

Your personal relationships, especially with your partner and children will benefit the most from this practice. Loving someone unconditionally means that you don’t judge them. You are accepting. Don’t be afraid to positively share necessary constructive feedback and guidance with your partner/children regarding certain behaviors. That guidance is priceless when also modeled.

Rules are in place for everyone’s protection and to circumvent anarchy. If someones behaviors/beliefs are not going to cause you or anyone else harm, what gives you the right to be judg’ey” or judgemental?

Nothing.

L. K. Rossi

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Relationships and love

Power Struggles

Probably not the ones you are thinking of…

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Living with someone, whether you are married or not requires an enormous amount of patience, perseverance and flexibility.  No matter how “in love” you may be, there are bound to be topics that can create power struggles.

Here are a few examples;

Temperature – whether it is too hot or too cold

Windows open – windows closed

Lighting – too bright or not enough light

TV Shows to watch or not watch

Household chores – share of the workload being balanced

The list could go on and on.  What is touched on here appears minimal compared to more serious relationship issues.  However, when there is a constant need for one or both partners to have “things” there way, it can become a power struggle.   Some sort of compromise should be made when these situations arise or one person may feel as though the relationship is a dictatorship. 

Generally, one person is more adaptable in a relationship and will naturally make concessions.  But, if that generosity is taken for granted, resentment may set in.

A typical conflict that can create a power struggle for many couples is temperature.  Men usually run hotter than women.  To address this matter in my own relationship, when he is running hot, the ceiling fan over our bed goes on a timer, so it shuts off when the temperature drops at night.  While the fan is running, I add an additional blanket.  Another issue is lighting.  I am hyper light sensitive and need time to adjust to bright light in the morning.  The compromise is that the drapes are opened slightly until my eyes adjust, then I open the drapes up completely. 

Another compromise is the even and odd day of the week solution.  For example:  Even days of the month the windows are open and odd days the windows are closed. 

Compromise can be reached all on topics if both parts are willing to give and take.  If one person is always set in stone, the other person may need to decide whether or not to adapt, adjust without resentment, live with resentment or leave. 

There are much larger struggles that will arise in relationships like money and children.  If you can’t compromise on issues like temperature and chores, what will happen when more serious problems arise?

Take an inventory of the issues you and your partner consistently struggle with and take the time to make compromises together.  In doing so you will deepen your communication skills and create more balance in your partnership.

Leah Kay Rossi

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