Tag: communication skills

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Relationships and love

Life’s disappointments

To some people a life disappointment may be losing their job and to others it might be that their latte wasn’t made correctly. These interpretations can vary vastly depending on someone’s life experience and exposure. It also has to do with what you value as important.

After working with the public in a government type setting, it became easy for me to “read” and “understand” what is important to people by their reactions and behaviors to certain events including disappointments.

Overall, people that have lived through loss, adversity and difficult times seemed to be more grounded in reality and have a deeper sense of appreciation and gratitude for health, relationships, family and love.

Others who have been “given” to and “receive” at will, seem to have little patience, empathy or understanding for a world outside of their own. They may have never been or ever will be affected by real life issues like poverty, unemployment, hunger, discrimination, trauma, loss and/or homelessness.

When you are in a relationship what you and your partner are grateful for usually align. This signifies that you have common values and core beliefs.

When you have a disappointment in or about your partner it stands as a test to determine if that disappointment was malicious or benign, and was it a one time event or a repeating pattern. Everyone makes mistakes and will disappoint you in some way every now and then. We are human and this is real life.

The key for me is to decide whether or not the disappointment is worth a conversation about. If it is worth a conversation, I place myself in the others persons shoes and try to see their side, before I ask questions or make assumptions. When I do ask questions, I try to remember not to accuse, but to find answers that will enlighten me to why the disappointment occurred.

As with most any disagreement, disappointment or misunderstanding, calm, rational, mature communication are paramount.

Leah Kay Rossi

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Relationships and love

Don’t pretend

When something disconcerting, hurtful or wrong occurs in your relationship, there are usually are three options that arise.

1. Acknowledge event, but don’t address it
2. Acknowledge and address the event
3. Pretend it didn’t happen and act like you are fine when you aren’t

The healthiest choice would be number two, acknowledge and address the event. However, it is the manner in which you do this that can ultimately affect the outcome.

Generally, when we’re hurt our emotions take over and our response could vary from anger to being withdrawn. When acknowledging something painful and addressing it with the person that has hurt you can be difficult at best. The key is to address the event itself and not attack the person.

If necessary, wait to address the person and event until you have time to process all of the emotions and circumstances. Sometimes things aren’t always as they seem.

Once you’re in a place to have the necessary conversation, it’s helpful to be in a neutral space, plan for enough time and privacy.

Try and place yourself in the other person’s shoes as you discuss how you feel and why. It’s important to think about how you would want somebody to address you, if you were the one that created the hurt. This is not to minimize the event, but to have beneficial, helpful communication so that the event or behavior is not repeated.

Options number one and three, acknowledgment without addressing and pretending the hurt didn’t happen, only ultimately hurts you.

Healthy relationships thrive on open, constant, mature communication. No partner is perfect, there are bound to be misunderstandings and hurts. The key is that both partners are willing.

Leah Kay Rossi

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The 8 Second Rule for Relationships

Photo by Jopwell on Pexels.com

You can use 7, 8 or 10 seconds, whatever it takes to get you to slow down and think before reacting.  Reacting can include speaking, facial expressions (frowning), body language (like rolling your eyes) and reflex physical movement (waving arms).  Taking the time to pause, breathe and think first, can make all the difference in the world. 

When you respond too quickly, you run the risk of saying or doing something you may regret.  Our personal relationships can suffer the most when instantaneous reactions come before thinking them through.

The next time you are facing a confrontation, an argument or hard to handle news, try to stop for those 8 seconds and think about what you are feeling and why.  Before replying think clearly if what you are about to say will be helpful or hurtful. 

Putting yourself in the other’s persons shoes can also bring needed perspective. Most of the time, the upset or angry person is mad at themselves too.  Their frustration may be thrust in your direction even if you are not the root cause.

Empathy can help play a large role in perception.  Instead of becoming defensive, think of what the main issue might truly be.  Reaching out with comfort and genuine listening can defuse a negative situation and potentially turn it positive.