Blog – Leah's Real Life ~ Love and Relationship Blog

Leah’s Real Life ~ blog on love, life and relationships

ARE YOU THE COMMON DENOMINATOR IN YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIPS?

L.K. Rossi (also on Medium.com)

Funny how we always want to be the victim in our failed relationships. Strange that when our partner leaves or we choose to leave a relationship, it is always the other person’s fault that the relationship failed.

This may not happen every time, but if you are noticing a pattern of selecting a new partner only to have your relationships fail over and over again, just maybe you might be the common denominator.

I was the common denominator and it took me three marriages to figure it out. I repeatedly chose addictive personalities. Strong, charismatic, successful men who were HFAs (high-functioning alcoholics). Years after my ex-husbands’ failed attempts at sobriety I realized it was never going to end. I was damaged beyond repair. Trust was fractured and my fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop almost cost me my sanity.

There are many types of common denominators in failing relationships. The question is, are you going to acknowledge your role and do something differently to get a better outcome in the future?

Here are some examples of a common denominator relationship ender:

You choose the personality trait that you can’t tolerate for the long term (so you can eventually exit the relationship);
You choose the personality trait you have picked repeatedly in the past because that is your type, even though your type usually hurts, cheats, uses or dumps you;
You choose the personality trait of a parent that treated you poorly (because you know what to expect and think/feel you deserve it);
You choose the personality in which you are lacking (i.e. if you are shy you pick extroverted, but ultimately you can’t handle that personality trait);
You choose an addictive personality so you can remain in a codependent relationship (and you truly can become the victim);
You choose the damsel in distress, but once you have fixed her urgent need, you are no longer enchanted with her;
You choose someone for security only at any age and then live a lonely and loveless existence;
You choose a partner whose age is too far out of range. You may have daddy or mommy issues. You live in a parent/child relationship that is unhealthy.

Breaking a harmful choosing cycle first takes acknowledgement. Take a real, hard look at all of your relationships, short and long term. Think about why you chose that person and why you think they chose you.

Pick apart the dynamics and the timeline of the relationships. Who was more dominant and why? What caused the relationship to fail? Was it a combination of things or one big blow-out issue like infidelity? See if anything starts to stand out as a pattern.

There was no way I was at fault for the failure of my marriages…or so I thought. No, I wasn’t; he was an addict and my kids and I certainly didn’t deserve the treatment, fear and chaos we received, but I did one thing very wrong. I chose these men. It was my choice and I should have selected differently.

Looking back I know there are no coincidences in life. My journeys brought me here to a place of acceptance and hopefully the ability to help someone see the pattern sooner than I did. Life is short. Break the cycle and move on.

Are you a PRETZEL? it is time to untwist.

Generally, insecure, people pleasers, like I used to be and still can be at times, tend to do what has been coined as “pretzeling”.

Pretzeling is when you contort yourself to fit the mold or ideal of the person you want to be with to their satisfaction and expectation.

You adjust your opinions to match theirs. Your thoughts and feelings are not expressed unless they match the other persons. You change your appearance to their preferences. You squash down any feelings of hurt or anger for fear of rejection or criticism.

Being a pretzel is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. Pretzels can manifest lots of real physical ailments, like anxiety, ulcers, and cancer by keeping up the contortion at the expense of their emotional and physical health.

A normal level of self-confidence and self-love eluded me as I twisted my way through most of my adult life. When faced with my Mother’s mortality I finally sought counseling and did serious self-work.

It took me to the age of 42, to be able to own myself “as is”. It was a huge realization for me to accept that not everyone is going to approve of or like me. It was quite liberating, but also sad that it took so long to “straighten out”. Being loved by a few “as is” is much better than trying to be loved by all in pretzel mode.

So if you are a pretzel, soft, hard or somewhere in between, stop it and stop it now. If someone doesn’t want you “as is”, then, next! Move on. You are worthy just the way you are. Sure we could all use some self-improvement and fine tuning. That is what personal growth and accountability are about. If you are a good person, trying to live by the Golden Rule that is enough. There is no reason to try and twist yourself into someone you think someone else wants.

Someone does want you, “as is”. Life is too short for you, not to just be you. You’re are enough just the way you are.

ARE YOU HONEY OR ARE YOU VINEGAR?

Most people have heard the phrase;

“You get more bees with honey; than you do you do with vinegar”

If you haven’t heard it before, now you have.

Think about it this way…

Who do you think I’m going to call back and assist first, if it all?

The person that left me a expletive riddled message (vinegar) or the person who was respectful with their request (honey)?

Whose food do you think the server is possibly going to mess with?

The person who berated them for taking too long with their cocktail order? Or the person that was patient and thanked them when the drinks did arrive?

Who’s car in still in the shop “waiting for parts”?

The list is endless with scenarios like those above and the real events below.

Last week I witnessed an angry, middle-aged male customer verbally bash a young female retail worker in a department store as she tried address his concern. As I rounded the corner, the interaction was quickly escalating. Just then another male customer approached them and told the irate man to stop harassing the woman. He stepped in, stopping the verbal abuse that contained foul language and name calling. The angry man, obviously “vinegar” then began to verbally assault this gentlemen, who promptly said, “Let’s take this outside.” Of course, it ended there because the irate man was a coward.

It was awe inspiring to see a stranger step in and defend someone being bullied that way. Truly a hero.

To me, being polite/nice is just about being a decent person. But, for many people like myself who work in the public service industry receiving basic politeness is sadly becoming more uncommon.

Recently, I went to have a few thick glass shelves cut shorter to re-purpose them. While waiting l watched the master glass cutter cut other pieces of glass along with my pieces like they were butter. I sincerely complimented him on his work. He refused to let me pay and stated he appreciated my patience and that he didn’t feel like he had to rush his work.

When these types of events occur, they solidify polite “honey” behavior and create a pay it forward domino effect.

Keep “vinegar” in the bottle and share some “honey” today.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2-6-2021 (also posted on Medium.com)

Being respectful to others, especially in personal relationships, is a must have behavior, but it can also be elusive.

No good relationship exists without mutual respect. Whether the relationship is with your partner, your parent, or your boss, relationships thrive with respect or wither without it.

Everyone wants to be treated with respect, young, old and every age in between.

Think about what the world would be like if everyone, treated everyone with respect.

It has been noted that many men want/need respect more than sex.

Feeling respected transcends all levels of emotion from acceptance, power and appreciation.

Respect in relationships: Let’s break it down with some reflection:

· Do you and your partner treat each other with respect?

· Are you and your partner’s feelings, thoughts and opinions treated with respect?

That doesn’t mean the person must agree with your thoughts, feelings or opinions it just means that they actively listen, honor and acknowledge them.

Reflect and watch how you and your partner treat your parents, siblings, elderly persons, your boss, or your employees, the law, co-workers, friends, strangers, service persons and those less fortunate.

How someone treats others is a pretty good indicator of their character.

· Does the boss get treated with respect, but the restaurant server gets none?

· Should the server be treated any differently than the boss?

Think about a boss you loved and a boss you hated. You probably treated the one you hated with as little respect as you could muster without getting fired, or maybe you did get fired. Then think of the good boss you loved; chances are high that they treated you with respect and genuine consideration, which you gave in return.

Respectful communication during heated discussions should not consist of foul language, low blows, or name calling. Obviously, this can be extremely difficult if you are in anger overdrive. When you say hurtful things “in the heat of the moment”, you can’t take them back. Period. End of story. Words can cut to the core. It’s like trying to erase seeing a horrible accident. You saw it, the blood, the carnage and you can’t un-see it.

Be respectful while asserting your concerns, hurts, or requests. It’s easier to apologize for bad behavior after the fact. It’s much, much harder to take control of your emotions and actions during the heat of an argument. However, you should take control and respectfully walk away, if necessary and return later for a solution. It may not be easy to table an argument and walk away, but it could save you and your partner hurt and heartache if you do. In any relationship, if one or both parties feel disrespected, a pattern of disrespectful behavior may continue and deep resentment could settle in.

To get respect you must give it.

Being respectful doesn’t mean being a pushover.

Respect comes from being unselfish and unafraid to treat others the way you want to be treated and generally produces respectful behavior in return. If it doesn’t, you still know you are doing the right thing.

Respect attracts itself, so model it along with sincerity and a smile.

You’ll be happy with the results. Being respectful is easy when you think about treating the other person the way you want to be treated. It is as old as the Bible. Do unto others as you wish them to do unto you (Golden Rule).

CHECKLIST TO SPOT A CHEATER

PS: you may need to remove your “denial goggles” – April 8, 2020

2-6-2021 (posted on Medium.com)

Being respectful to others, especially in personal relationships, is a must have behavior, but it can also be elusive.

No good relationship exists without mutual respect. Whether the relationship is with your partner, your parent, or your boss, relationships thrive with respect or wither without it.

Everyone wants to be treated with respect, young, old and every age in between.

Think about what the world would be like if everyone, treated everyone with respect.

It has been noted that many men want/need respect more than sex.

Feeling respected transcends all levels of emotion from acceptance, power and appreciation.

Respect in relationships: Let’s break it down with some reflection:

· Do you and your partner treat each other with respect?

· Are you and your partner’s feelings, thoughts and opinions treated with respect?

That doesn’t mean the person must agree with your thoughts, feelings or opinions it just means that they actively listen, honor and acknowledge them.

How someone treats others is a pretty good indicator of their character.

· Does the boss get treated with respect, but the restaurant server gets none?

· Should the server be treated any differently than the boss?

To get respect you must give it.

Being respectful doesn’t mean being a pushover.

Respect attracts itself, so model it along with sincerity and a smile.

IS YOUR BUCKET FULL? ~ 3-9-20 ~

Life is complicated. Work, family, relationships, marriage, friends, commitments, health, finances…the list could go on forever.

When life has filled your bucket with too much stress, disappointment and unresolved hurt, it doesn’t take much to make it spill over.

When a full bucket spills, it is usually ugly and directed at someone who had nothing to do with the cause of the spill.

True story:

To avoid shopping in crowded stores, I order online and get free delivery to my car (which is a great service). During one such delivery, as the groceries were being loaded into the back of my car an extremely outraged, angry man drove up along side of us and began screaming obscenities. Profanity flowed loud and rapid like a semi-automatic machine gun. He demanded that the delivery person get a manager right away because he (the infuriated man) had been hassled inside the store, causing a delay that resulted in a $400 parking ticket.

For a moment I stood stunned as the f-bombs exploded from his mouth. Then that moment was over. No longer could I allow this foul mouthed man to verbally abuse the worker or me. My words flew before I could register the risk I took in saying them. I shouted “This guy isn’t your problem and stop swearing at us. It’s offensive to me!” He immediately shot back with, “I don’t care what you hear or think!”

Before I could say another word, the delivery person said he would get the manager, and the irate man drove into a parking spot two down from mine. The worker asked me if I was alright, and said he was going to get security. I said yes, that I was alright, which was the truth. I deal with “bucket-full” people at work all day long, but like that man, my bucket was full too, which equaled a recipe for disaster.

My bucket was full from dealing with others who take out their anger and frustrations on me on almost-a daily basis. Normally I would have handled the grocery-delivery debacle like I do at work, with de-escalation techniques and a calm demeanor. But, guess what? I wasn’t at work, so I didn’t have to put up with this abuse for fear of losing my job.

So basically, two buckets were spilling over. One was provoked by another. End result was unresolved, enraged anger.

As I continued to load my groceries I watched carefully to make sure the livid man was still in his car and not a physical threat to me.

Then something moving caught my eye. The hostile man pulled his car out and drove up to me. Before I could utter a word, he apologized to me. I was shocked. Now here is where things could have gone either way. I could have reacted poorly and continued down a path of unresolved anger, or accepted the apology with sincerity.

I chose the latter. It was the perfect way to mop up two spilled buckets.

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